I am learning what it means to embrace the sorrow that God has appointed for me. Miscarriages are very common and culture makes it hard to not feel like I am supposed to be over it after 2 weeks. I tell myself, "The joy of the Lord is my strength." I believe that it is. But my understanding of joy has been distorted by culture. "Alright, the old Kyle is back now" I find myself thinking, "I can't keep wallowing in grief." But I think I am finding that God sometimes wants us to sit in darkness and embrace pain. I am finding that Scripture speaks to this often. There is such thing as Godly sorrow. Jesus was sorrowful in the Garden, before his execution, "even to death." The Spirit, we are told, can be grieved.
I believe that the cause of sorrow in the world is sin. The weight of sin grieved Jesus in the Garden. The sin of rejecting God grieves the Holy Spirit. On a personal note, miscarriages happen because sin exists. Sin is morally ugly and disgusting. When we grieve from the loss of our child, we are longing for the bliss of life with God. John Piper says, "Our sorrow for sin is rooted in our savoring of God." Ultimately, I am sorrowful that sin exists and is at the root of all that pains us in the world today. I am angry about true life that is stolen from us all.
It sounds like a strange request, but please don't wake me up from my pain. Not yet. Let me embrace it. Because when I embrace it, I long for God. Ultimately I look forward to holding our child in heaven. I believe now that Jessica's Grandaddy, whom I will not meet this side of heaven, is holding our child and they both are waiting to see us. It seems too long for us. But it will only be the blink of an eye for them. Paul said he was "sorrowful, yet always rejoicing." I am sorrowful, yet I am rejoicing. Seminary geeks call this "Eschatalogical tension." It's the tension that comes when you live in the reality of today AND the future. Scripture tells us to consider Jesus and take our cues from Him: "who for the joy set before him endured the cross..." Present Reality for Jesus in the Garden: Torture, humiliation, sin-bearing, hell on earth breaks loose on Him. Future Reality: Sitting at the right hand of God, Sin and death destroyed, having a people of his own, true life restored on an eternal scale.
Living in the reality of today AND the future.
Today's reality: We lost our baby. Tears exist.
Future reality: We gain our baby. God wipes away all tears. And the effects of sin no longer hurt us.
"But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me. Do not gloat over me, my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will rise. Though I sit in darkness, the Lord will be my light. Because I have sinned against him, I will bear the Lord's wrath, until he pleads my case and establishes my right. He will bring me out into the light; I will see his righteousness. Then my enemy will see it and will be covered with shame, she who said to me, 'Where is the Lord your God?' My eyes will see her downfall; even now she will be trampled underfoot like mire in the streets. The day for building your walls will come, the day for extending your boundaries." - Micah 7:7-11
Therefore, we grieve today, and we wait for the redemption of our bodies and the removal of all our sins. We grieve today, but we delight in hope of glory (Romans 5:2-3). Our hope and our joy is muffled by the pain. But there is a seed of hope and joy. This seed will grow, and one day, it will produce great delight and unlimited pleasure in the presence of God and all who are found in Christ.
So let us embrace whatever sorrow God appoints for us. We will not be ashamed of tears. "Though we sit in darkness, the Lord will be a light for us." Pain is here now. Joy will be here in the morning.
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